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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2012 7:08 pm 
I can do CR without a wingman!
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Teacher telling the class about the days assignment. Today we're going to pick any word and use it in a sentence, and points to the first girl to begin.

(girl) My word is "beautiful", and I will use it in a sentence, "my teacher is BEAUTIFUL".

The teacher says that was very nice, and now points to the boy to begin.

(boy) My word is "urinate".

The teacher interupts saying, it's ok to use that word, but now use it in a sentence.

(boy) "YOUR AN EIGHT, but if you had big tits, you'd be a ten".


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 10:40 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

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A Jewish guy's idea of oral sex is lying in bed talking about himself.


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 Post subject: THE PERFECT HUSBAND
PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:42 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

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bject: THE PERFECT HUSBAND


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it
OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I
really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the
house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not,
we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths wide open.
The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 9:01 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
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I learned something today.







DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?







A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!







HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN



APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!







THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.







THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."







THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."







THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.







"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."







THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!







ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"







BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."







THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.







HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"







THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"







WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.







HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.







THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"







THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"







HE GOT THE JOB


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 10:20 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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The local preacher went to have his weekly discussion with the little old lady who was their church organ player, she was quite a proper elderly spinster who was very religious. Because of this, he was quite surprised to see a condom in a bowl of water on top of her church organ.

He asked her what this was all about. She replied; "Well preacher, I was sick and went to the drug store. I was getting some cold medicine and these were on the same shelf. It said place on top of organ, keep moist and it will keep away diseases. I haven't been sick since I did it !!!

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 10:25 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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A gay and his lesbian friend decided to have a Ch*ld together so she is artificially inseminated with his sperm and 9 months later a beautiful boy is born. They are admiring him in the room with all the other Babi*s and notice he is the only one with no pacifier. Why doesn't he have one they asked. Oh, we had to take his from him, he kept shoving it up his ass !!!

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 10:32 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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A lady bought a parrot from the city auction of confiscated criminal goods, she was unaware the parrot was a pet in a whorehouse. Upon getting home the parrot said "Awwk...new brothel...."
Then the parrot looked at the lady and said "Awwk...new madam..." Her teenage daughter and friend walked in and the bird said "Awwk...new ho's..." They were all laughing until dad got home and the parrot said : "Awwk....same old customers..."

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 10:37 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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A couple was vacationing at a dude ranch and were shocked to witness a farm hand pounding a sheep in the barn. Just then a little boy started to go into the barn. "Don't go in there, young man, there's a pervert in there !!" they warned. The little boy replied "That's no pervert ! That's my faaaaaaaaaaa-ther !!!"

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:10 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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a preacher in the old wild west days was giving a sermon on infidelity and challenged the faithful to confess if they were willing. One old cowboy raised his hand nervously and stated "I don't know if I should tell this, preacher..."

"Tell it" the flock roared...so he confessed he had sex with a fancy painted bar girl many years ago after a cattle drive where he got extra pay and was celebrating in the saloon at the end of the drive in Kansas City. The preacher declared he and G*d forgave him, the crowd shouted they forgave him and his wife hugged him and said she did too, it was many years ago and they led a good life together. "See, don't you feel better now cowboy for telling it? said the preacher. The cowboy agreed it was a relief to get this off his mind after many years...

A lady in the flock nervously raised her hand and said "I don't know preacher if I should tell this one..." The flock and the preacher and her husband roared "tell it, tell it, tell it !!!" she confessed when she was much younger and a bank teller, a handsome young banker visited from the bank headquarters. she was amazed he took a bath every day and smelled pretty. On his last day in their small town before heading back east she had to bring him some bank loan papers to his hotel and she said at that time he took her and she was so ashamed.

The preacher stated he and G*d forgave her, the crowd roared they forgave her and with tears in his eyes the husband said he forgave her, that was many years ago and they raised a family and had a good life together. She was relieved and they hugged. "See !!!" The preacher said, "look at these loving couples now relieved, you should TELL these things !"

Another cowboy nervously raised his hand and said "Preacher, I don't know if I should tell this one..."
The preacher and crowd roared "tell it, tell it, tell it !!!". "Well, he said, one night I was drunk n horny out on the trail and I was with my favorite horse, she looked so beautiful in the moonlight, that swishy tail, those big brown eyes, I just had to have her so I mounted her from behind and stuffed her hooves in my boots and gave it to her good !!!"

The crowd gasped in shock, several ladies including his wife fainted. "Cowboy" said the preacher..."You were right, you shouldn't oughta told THAT ONE"....

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:02 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
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Netgems wrote:
A gay and his lesbian friend decided to have a Ch*ld together so she is artificially inseminated with his sperm and 9 months later a beautiful boy is born. They are admiring him in the room with all the other Babi*s and notice he is the only one with no pacifier. Why doesn't he have one they asked. Oh, we had to take his from him, he kept shoving it up his ass !!!



OMG!!!!!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 7:31 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. ''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.''
The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?''
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. ''What's the matter?'' he asked.
She replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?''

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 1:27 am 
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do you know the difference between an all female track team and a tribe of smart piggmies?



one is a group of cunning runts


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